A Study in Despair


Shall I do it? Will I find the resolve? I'm so confused. It may change everything and I'm not even sure that I'm ready for this. But it may be too late anyway and I'll just have to deal with it - in some way.

I didn't know what it was that was worrying me so. My panic was becoming more urgent. I never imagined that possible, but I know I am now really desperate. I awoke this morning feeling dreadfully worried. It started a few days ago as just an uneasy feeling, but this has grown and festered into a nightmare.

Then, this morning I realised suddenly what it was that was worrying me and this sent me into a frenzy. The haze of my confusion cleared in an instant and threw me between two minds. I felt as though I had been split in half and existed in two places at the same time. One place seemed coldly logical and businesslike and the other was distant and also devoid of feeling. It was as though I was looking at myself and I was no longer part of me. It was horrible. To be divided and still to be one was awful.

My sense of confusion came back in a rush as though I had run into a brick wall at full speed. Then I felt the blast of heat from the furnace of despair pass around my body. It was so sudden it made me feel ill. The cold sweat on my skin mixed with the heat inside me made my head spin in the confusion.

I had remembered a single fact that came as a total shock. That piece of old news I thought I had forgotten so well. I hadn't forgotten it. I still had contact with it. It wasn't buried far enough away. It was so devastating that my life could never be the same again. I hadn't realised all that time ago the significance of what I had learned then. But I knew now. I knew what must happen if I didn't do something. How could I have not worked it out? It must have been as obvious then as it is now. Did I want to ignore it hoping it would go away? I must have been deluding myself.

I could tell someone, but should I? Could I? My confusion knotted my stomach making me feel sick. I had a terrible dilemma. I had to talk to someone about this. I must tell someone, but I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to share my problem. Nobody else must know about this and I must live with this as a secret. It must remain as close to me as my very skin. Even closer. Beneath my skin and buried so deep that it will never see daylight. Kept in the darkness where all my other secrets are kept.

I couldn't share such knowledge. I have never been able to do that. I couldn't even imagine how I may begin to speak it. To say out loud what my mind was screaming. I imagined my mouth opening, but no sound coming out of it. No one would know. No one could know. I must just live with it somehow.

My secret. My nightmare.

© Louis Brothnias (2004)

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