I woke up this morning feeling uneasy. A feeling of foreboding. I had come to respect these feelings over the years. Not often, but definitely an omen of something to watch out for. Carefully. My intuition, this gut feeling, I couldn't fathom. I had never understood it. I don't really have to understand it. Just to respect and honour it as it acts as a protector.

This growing feeling of unease didn't abate throughout the morning and I was totally mystified by what it was trying to tell me. Then all of a sudden I realised what it was. I had remembered a fact that was a total shock. A totally unexpected single piece of devastating news that would mean my life could never be the same again. The old adage of being cruel to be kind came to mind. But if no one knew then I was only being cruel in my mind. Kind as well. Nobody would know. I could tell someone. But ought I? I had a real dilemma. My intuition came to my rescue once again as I knew in a flash that I must tell nobody and live with my secret. Sharing a problem has always been a useful thing to do as it provides feedback and alternative views. The resulting ideas can help to provide a solution, only this time it was impossible. It could never work.

To share such knowledge would not halve the problem, but double it. Then divide it into two parts between two people. Or maybe thirds to three people. There would be no gain and it would mean I was no closer to a resolution of my problem. And I had needlessly involved other people. They might then go through life perhaps trying to deal with my problem. They could never find a solution to such a problem. Yes. It was kindest of all to go it alone. Tell no one and just live with it somehow.

I can do this as I have learned to let go of worries. I realised a long while ago that holding onto something keeps me tied to it. To let it go lets me unchain myself. To recover a freedom. Much like thinking of something hurtful. To focus on a thought gives it a substance that it doesn't deserve. To make it more real. More painful. It will never go away like that. An imagined problem that won't go away? No. Let the thoughts come and let them go. They are only thoughts and not real. Only imagination.

I have always wondered about the idea of the left and right brain : the colourless, coldly logical and analytical left brain and the warmth and colour of the imaginative right brain. What would happen if the right brain were to be injured and leave only the left side of the brain intact? This would mean leaving just a soulless and colourless, yet logical world. How might reasoning be affected? To keep this secret to myself and try to let it go. To forget it. Ignore it. To restore balance of the mind by letting go of something that would pull me over. Unbalance me. Nobody must know. Nobody can ever know. I will keep this knowledge selfishly all to myself.

After all, it's my secret.

© Louis Brothnias (2005)

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