I don’t know what today’s date is. Or yesterday’s and certainly not tomorrow’s date. Sometimes I imagine that this situation happens, but for no apparent reason. I wake up and start wondering about nothing in particular. Just being aware. The bedside clock tells me that it is not yet five o’clock on the 19th January though it feels the right time to start the day. Something bothers me about this time and it just seems earlier than my usual waking time though oddly, it does feel that this time is normal.
Staring out of the bedroom window into the brightness the view is quite new to me as though I am in a strange place, even though I feel that it should be familiar. I start wondering where I am. Colours are very vivid with the shadows from the trees striking the lush green grass. I remember nothing about myself or where I am or what I should do next. Instinctively, I know where to find my clothes and get dressed, yet I have absolutely no idea about why I am doing these things.
I feel I know things, but just not where I am or who I am. I don’t even know how to search my memory for what I did last. The view out of my window could have changed, but I can’t recall what it was like just now. My moment is now and I simply exist in this moment. And then it’s gone. Replaced by another moment. Now. This strangely has a very calming effect even though it is slightly worrying. Yet only worrying as my curiosity cannot find any answers that satisfy that curiosity. Puzzling and calming at the same time.
Past, present and future are terms that I have heard about though they blend into simply a sense of being. Awareness. Wherever I am. I may be irritated about what I feel though it is fascinating and not in the slightest bit frightening. It feels as though I should be scared, but curiously I am only curious. Another glance out of the window and nothing seems to have changed and I think I am still wearing the clothes that I had put on a moment ago. Doubt enters my mind. What clothes did I put on? Are these the same ones that I had climbed into a few minutes ago or different ones? And when was that? It could be minutes or hours ago.
I still don’t feel any sense of panic yet imagine that I should. But I don’t.
The clock has moved on by a just few minutes to ten minutes after five on the 20th January and I feel comfortable by knowing who I am and where I am, at home in the south of England in Winter. I rolled over in my bed and went back to sleep with the thought that it must be quite terrible to lose your identity.
© Louis Brothnias (2008)