Darker
And Clearer
Seven years later and I still
had murder on my mind though now more sophisticated in its concept and
execution.
The grey clouds
continued in their movement, but in front of a redder and more angry-looking
sky as the Sun dipped towards the horizon to be inexorably quenched in the
frothing sea and replenished in the fires of Hell. A wind turbine caught by the
fiery red brilliance was transformed into a silhouette with slowly spinning
arms slicing through the clouds.
Sunsets like these
had been happening unchanged for thousands of centuries though my earlier confusion had altered
considerably.
The encounter with
Dr. Riding had seen to that.
Unlike clouds being
at the mercy of the winds and always disappearing and moving to reappear
somewhere else unnoticed. Almost. I had choices. Many choices. One path led to
the edge of an abyss and another back to safety. A place of considered reason.
I jumped.
Cold-blooded,
brutal murder. My earlier need was to destroy four people. I had even graded
the four murders, but came to the obvious conclusion that I only really needed
to execute one of the four. Rayce Williams. This world could only be a better
place with him gone. His dreadful wife Daphnida was a repulsive woman and she
would be doomed to remain alone in a living Hell. Her fate would have to wait.
Nevertheless, to have imagined that any one actual murder could be more
important than any other was a sign of madness. My plan was not a fantasy and
neither was it madness.
The
beast within me had been sleeping contentedly and had now awoken all these
years later. I felt powerful as I had control and the justice that I craved
must be taken. I felt totally justified in my proposed action. The verdict and
sentence of my court had cleaned up the diseased images that had swirled around
in my mind for so long. I justified to myself that removing the disease would
only be justice and it couldn't be wrong. I was no longer crushed between that
rock and a hard place. Murder can be considered barbaric and I certainly used
to think that, but now it's
different. I understood it. I felt it. I had lived it. Free of those
dark thoughts at last.
I reflected and
wondered how I could have justified murder. I would surely place myself beneath
contempt. I had justified it. The desire to self-destruct had felt so strong
and though I could never take my own life, I considered taking life. Was that
defective reasoning? Maybe. Inferior animal instincts growing within me had
eventually cleared as I saw the reason to kill. The
blades of the great turbines had given meaning to a new age. Executing one and
allowing three to live on in terror had considerably increased my chances of
not being caught. That was sound reasoning. The wind farm generating electricity
from a natural resource. Pure and clean and my spirit cleansed.
My serial-killer thoughts had dissipated with the
certain knowledge that one death would grip the other three in terror. Not
knowing. Just the event. The terrible death. Had it been just a terrible
accident? Being impaled on an iron fence. The spike through the throat was such
a clichˇ but suffocation and loss of blood were very effective conspirators.
As I watched the great turbine blades rotating against
the dark red backdrop, it struck me that events will continue relentlessly
unless stopped. Would one murder be enough? Thoughts of my targets suddenly
hijacked my mind. One dead and three unharmed by me. Yes. That should do it.
Some consider taking a life is wrong and I had argued with myself endlessly
about the rights and wrongs of this ultimate sanction. To act like an avenging
angel or a ruthless devil?
The hypocrisy
peddled in war legalises murder by making it acceptable to kill, but I am an
adult and am capable of reasoned thought, not mindless acts of violence.
I had the advantage of knowing my target. My choice to
act. My decision alone backed up by sound reasoning.
Something had happened to me in those moments to build
a bridge and connect the distance spanned by seven years. An unconscious,
unthinking moment. A decision made somehow. An act performed. The result of my
action was an inner calmness and freedom from turmoil. This had not been
impulsiveness, but considered action.
Years
ago that flash of consequences and options had been too much for me to deal
with and I had felt helpless and confused. Not any more.
© Louis Brothnias v1.0
(August, 2011)