Shall I do it? Will I find the resolve? I'm so
confused. It may change everything and I'm not even sure that I'm ready for
this. But it may be too late anyway and I'll just have to deal with it - in
some way.
I didn't know what it was that
was worrying me so. My panic was becoming more urgent. I never imagined that
possible, but I know I am now really desperate. I awoke this morning feeling
dreadfully worried. It started a few days ago as just an uneasy feeling, but
this has grown and festered into a nightmare.
Then, this morning I realised
suddenly what it was that was worrying me and this sent me into a frenzy. The
haze of my confusion cleared in an instant and threw me between two minds. I
felt as though I had been split in half and existed in two places at the same
time. One place seemed coldly logical and businesslike and the other was
distant and also devoid of feeling. It was as though I was looking at myself
and I was no longer part of me. It was horrible. To be divided and still to be
one was awful.
My sense of confusion came
back in a rush as though I had run into a brick wall at full speed. Then I felt
the blast of heat from the furnace of despair pass around my body. It was so
sudden it made me feel ill. The cold sweat on my skin mixed with the heat
inside me made my head spin in the confusion.
I had remembered a single fact
that came as a total shock. That piece of old news I thought I had forgotten so
well. I hadn't forgotten it. I still had contact with it. It wasn't buried far
enough away. It was so devastating that my life could never be the same again.
I hadn't realised all that time ago the significance of what I had learned
then. But I knew now. I knew what must happen if I didn't do something. How
could I have not worked it out? It must have been as obvious then as it is now.
Did I want to ignore it hoping it would go away? I must have been deluding
myself.
I could tell someone, but
should I? Could I? My confusion knotted my stomach making me feel sick. I had a
terrible dilemma. I had to talk to someone about this. I must tell someone, but
I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to share my problem. Nobody else must
know about this and I must live with this as a secret. It must remain as close to
me as my very skin. Even closer. Beneath my skin and buried so deep that it
will never see daylight. Kept in the darkness where all my other secrets are
kept.
I couldn't share such
knowledge. I have never been able to do that. I couldn't even imagine how I may
begin to speak it. To say out loud what my mind was screaming. I imagined my
mouth opening, but no sound coming out of it. No one would know. No one could
know. I must just live with it somehow.
My secret. My nightmare.
© Louis Brothnias (2004)